Don't hate your family, despite what you may have heard...

Brad Sullivan

Proper 18, Year C
Sunday, September 5th, 2010
Emmanuel, Houston
Deuteronomy 30:15-20
Psalm 1
Philemon 1-21
Luke 14:25-33

Some time last week, I was getting ready to go to work, about to head out the door, and my two and a half year old son, Noah, looked up at a little figure of Jesus in the manger and said, “I like that Jesus guy. He’s really cool.” Kristin and I agreed. We laughed and said, “yeah, he is really cool, Noah,” thinking “that’s great, good for him,” and yet today, that story seems to stand in stark contrast to what Jesus says in the Gospel.

“Whoever comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters, yes, and even life itself, cannot be my disciple.” What do I tell my son in relation to this passage? Sorry son, I know you think Jesus is really cool, but you don’t hate mommy and me, so you can’t be his disciple, you can’t really like him.

We’re told in Leviticus, everyone’s favorite book of the Bible, we’re told in Leviticus 19:17, “don’t hate your kin, your family.” We’re told in 1 John 4:20 “Those who say, ‘I love God, ‘and hate their brothers or sisters, are liars; for those who do not love a brother or sister whom they have see, cannot love God whom they have seen.” We’re told by Jesus, in Luke 6:27 “love your enemies, do good to those who hate you…”

So, in light of all of this “don’t hate people” teaching, and in light of Jesus’ vast teachings about love, what are we to do with a passage in which Jesus tells us to hate our families. Well, as is often the case, we take a look at language. Jesus said, hate your family, but rather than the contemptuous detestation which we generally understand as “hate”, the word Jesus uses sometimes means that, and it sometimes means “turn away from,” “disregard,” or “be indifferent to.”

So now we hear Jesus saying “turn away from” your family, “disregard” your family, “be indifferent to” your family, if you’re going to be my disciple. That may still not be the best thing we’ve ever heard in our lives, but it certainly is a lot better than what we understand as hate.

Still, the question that lingers for me is “why?” Why do I have to disregard my family in order to follow you, Jesus? Am I now supposed to tell my son, “Sorry, Noah. I love you, I think you’re great, and I know you think that Jesus guy is really cool, but I want to be Jesus’ disciple, so I just need to be a bad father to you and ignore you, just please go away.” I tell Kristin and Rhys the same thing, and then say to Jesus, “Ok Lord, I’m a terrible father and husband, I’ve blown them all off. I’m ready.”

That doesn’t seem quite right either. Looking at the rest of what Jesus said in today’s Gospel passage, he talked about counting the cost, making sure people are willing to make the sacrifices necessary in order to be Jesus’ disciple. We make sacrifices all the time in order to do various things or be with certain people in our lives.

Those who have had kids know kids demand a lot of time and that there are some relationships you might not be able to keep as closely because of the time needed to be with kids. Those in marriages or committed one-on-one relationships know that such relationships require some level of sacrifice in other relationships. Before I was married, I had great friends. Now that I am married, I still have those great friends, but I don’t spend as much time with them as I did before I was married. I’ve had to disregard them, somewhat, in order to have time enough to give time and love to my wife and family.

The same goes for any good friendships we have, or jobs and activities we pursue with passion, going to school, learning a trade. Focusing our energy and attention on any one thing requires that we divert some energy and attention from other things in order to delve deeply into that one thing. I think of great musicians, the best of the best, who spend hours, and hours, and hours each day devoted to their instrument and their music. That doesn’t mean musicians don’t have friends, but they put in the work necessary in order to be devoted to their music. They’ve counted the cost.

The same goes for following Jesus. I knew folks in seminary who had wanted to be in the ministry for years, and initially, got some resistance from family and friends. You’re not going to make enough money. You’re not going to have weekends free. Initially some of these folks listened to the objections of family and friends, and then eventually, they had to disregard some of their family and friends, be indifferent to some of their family and friends, not regarding them as people, but they disregarded or were indifferent to the objections of their family and friends. They had counted the cost.

I’ve been reading a book called, “The Hole in Our Gospel” which is about the Gospel imperative to serve others, especially where there is poverty and injustice. The author is Richard Stearns, President of World Vision which is a Christian humanitarian organization which works worldwide with children, and families, and communities to help solve problems of poverty and injustice. Richard Stearns has been president of World Vision for 12 years now, and when the opportunity to become president of World Vision came up, he really, really, really didn’t want it.

He writes of himself as one who had committed himself during his 20s to following Christ, no matter what, and yet he was one who hadn’t entirely counted the cost. He wrote, “I was a poster boy for the successful Christian life – church every Sunday, great marriage, give attractive (and above-average) kids, a corporate CEO with a Bible on his desk, a faithful supporter of Christian causes – the whole Christian enchilada”, and yet when asked to take this new job, he found himself running for the hills. “Quitting my job, selling my house, and moving my family to serve at World Vision”, he wrote, was not in any way what he wanted to do, and yet he had said that he wanted to follow Jesus no matter what. He felt Jesus calling him to this job at World Vision, his family was supportive, and yet, he found himself initially unwilling to make the sacrifices necessary to follow Jesus’ call.

Obviously, he eventually did answer Jesus’ call and was blessed by doing so. It doesn’t sound like he ever really regretted giving up quite a lot of material things in order to follow Jesus. He wrote of his blessings in this way,

Does God bless those of us who commit our lives to following him? Of course he does. Sometimes He does bless us in material ways, with money, success, good health, and happy families, but those things are not guaranteed. Yet we are always blessed by God’s love for us and the meaning He brings to our lives, whether in hardship or prosperity. God also blesses us through our sacrifices for Him as we feel the privilege of being a tool in His hand.

Others who have heard his story over the years have asked him about serving God more directly and committing themselves ministry in some way, and he’s responded by asking questions about their preconditions. He wrote that usually the list of conditions sounds something like this:

“Well, we’re very committed to staying in the Atlanta area. All of our friends are here, and we have spent years getting our house just right. Our kids are in a very special private school, and we don’t want to move them. We waited six years to join the country club, and now we’re members. We couldn’t take too big of a pay cut and still maintain our lifestyle…But other than that, we’re wide open to serve.”

The preconditions that he mentioned, they sound pretty normal. School’s important, friends are important, and yet, as the author continues (and this is the last quote I’m going to give), “When we say we want to be [Jesus’] disciple, yet attach a list of conditions, Jesus refuses to accept our terms. His terms involve unconditional surrender.”

In order to be Jesus’ disciple, we’re asked at times to give up some of the life we have planned out for ourselves in order to live a life that he has in mind for us. For Richard Stearns, the president of World Vision, giving up some of the life he had involved a different job, a different city, a different house, a different car. He still has his family, everything that was really important to him, and he didn’t make these sacrifices on a whim simply because he felt guilty and self loathing about having too much. He made the sacrifices necessary in order to follow Jesus when Jesus called.

So, counting the cost and following Jesus doesn’t mean that tomorrow we’re all supposed to go quite our jobs and say goodbye to our family and friends and move somewhere else, just for the sake of sacrificing stuff, in order to be Jesus’ disciple. That would be like a single person who spends a lot of time with his really good friends telling them all that he can’t hang out with them any more because one day he might be married with kids and would then have to sacrifice some time that he spends with his friends, and he has to get ready. That just seems kinda silly. On the other hand, so does saying to someone, “I want a deep and fulfilling relationship with you, but I’m not going to make any sacrifices in order to have a deep and fulfilling relationship with you.” Or, “I’m going to do really well in school and make straight ‘A’s, but I’m not going to study.” “I’m going to do really well at this job and advance and move up the ladder, but I’m going to come in at noon, leave at three, and whatever I don’t get done is your problem.”

Following Jesus, counting the cost, of course these things require sacrifice on our parts. We all know that. Sometimes, after careful consideration, we even need to disregard some of the objections of our family and friends in order to be a disciple of Jesus. We get to live lives in which we work for and promote the kingdom of God, a kingdom of love and compassion. Being Jesus’ disciples requires surrender, but we’re surrendering to one who has our best interests at heart. Or, as the prophet Noah says about the one to whom we’re surrendering, “I like that Jesus guy. He’s really cool.” Amen.