Family Feuds

Brad Sullivan
Proper 10, Year A
Sunday, July 13th, 2008
Emmanuel, Houston
Genesis 25:19-34
Psalm 119:105-112
Romans 8:1-11
Matthew 13:1-9, 18-23

I’m going to talk today about family feuds. We’ve got a great one brewing between Jacob and Esau. Poor Esau, you sold your birthright for a bowl of soup? That’s just dumb. Were you really so hungry that you were about to die, or are you just really melodramatic? Did you actually work in the fields until you were minutes away from death by starvation? Go get some food a little sooner next time.

Jacob, give your brother some soup. We know your name means “trickster”, but you don’t have to be a jerk about it. Your brother’s hungry, give him some soup. Esau, again, you sold your birthright for a bowl of soup. Your brother was a jerk, but you sold it, you’ve got to live with that.

Of course, they eventually reconciled, but not before their feud got much worse. Jacob pretended to be Esau, stole his father’s blessing away from Esau. Esau got so mad he was going to kill Jacob and so Jacob ended up fleeing for his life. As we read on in Genesis, God began fulfilling his promise to Abraham and Isaac through Jacob as he fled and found some wives and had a bunch of kids, but did God need for that feud to happen between Jacob and Esau in order to fulfill his promise? I don’t think he did.

God was faithful to Jacob, he kept his promise of blessing even thought Jacob and Esau had this feud, but I don’t know that God needed that feud to occur. As a side note, I also like to think that God had a few lessons to teach Jacob about tricking people and being a jerk. We know Jacob’s father in law ended up tricking Jacob into marrying the wrong daughter. The trickster got tricked, and so Jacob ended up with two wives and two handmaidens, basically four wives. Good Lord! I love being married, I love my wife, but I wouldn’t want four of ‘em. God might have played a little trick on Jacob there.

God ended up fulfilling his promise of blessing despite this feud between Jacob and Esau, but for years, their family was torn apart. It took Jacob and Esau decades to be reunited, and they were reunited, and it was beautiful, but did they need decades of heartache and strife in the meantime.

These family feuds, have really stuck with us over the millennia. Some of y’all might be surprised to hear, but we even have family feuds in the church. We have fought one anther in the church for darn near 2000 years. Even in the very beginning, there was fighting over just how Jewish people needed to be in order to follow Jesus. Peter and Paul had fights over this. We’ve had fighting in the church, even murder within the church over doctrine. Is Jesus God, is he not, just how divine is Jesus, and over centuries, we’ve had the Body of Christ, Jesus’ brothers and sisters, God’s children, fighting and killing one another because we disagree. Christians have fought and killed each other over how we cross ourselves and what vestments to wear. We’ve got these family feuds that just won’t die. That’s not to say that some of our arguments aren’t important, but we’ve all been forgiven by God, can’t we do with a little forgiving of each other?

I’m conscious of the Lambeth conference starting this week. Bishops from all over the Anglican Communion will be gathering to discuss our Communion. We know there have been some pretty big family feuds going on within the Anglican Communion. As Archbishop Williams says, “Our Communion is living through very difficult times and we are bound to be aware of the divisions and conflicts that have hurt us all in recent years. But, as the Lord says (John 16:35), it is in union with him that we shall find peace.” (‘Welcome Message’ from Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, July 2008) It is also in communion with one another that we will find peace. So, be praying for the bishops of the Anglican Communion, pray for peace, pray for forgiveness, and pray that we can stop some of the feuding in the worldwide church.

Now, getting a little more local, there’s not a whole lot we can individually do to fix the global church. If a bishop or a diocese wants to split or leave the church most of us have very little influence over that. We can influence, however what happens in our own church. We have family feuds over all kinds of things. Here at Emmanuel, and in local churches everywhere, folks fight over different things. One person takes another person’s birthright. There are fights over how ministry should be done to various groups of people. Two people or groups of people will be ministering to others but doing so in different ways and then butt heads over who is right. There are fights over space and building use: “Our group should be here!” “No, our group should be here!” “This is my space!” There fights over music, what instruments we use and what songs we sing. There are fights over flowers, over ornaments, and pretty things here in our worship space.

Now, it only makes sense that we’re gonna disagree about some of these things, but when we let these things end up becoming family feuds, we end up torn apart over these things. Even individuals get torn apart or torn away because of these little feuds we have in the church. Don’t do it. Don’t let an argument over something become so volatile, so important that we tear the family apart. Jacob and Esau tore their family apart, and yes, they were reconciled years later, but think of the heartache, the decades of heartache that could have been avoided. Think of the heartache, the decades, the centuries of heartache in the worldwide church, and the years of heartache that could be avoided here if we would just be kind to one another and forgive one another. Think of the healing that could occur in people’s lives if they just wouldn’t leave when things didn’t go their way.

I realize sometimes people need to leave. Not everyone’s gonna be spiritually fed in the same community. Sometimes people need to leave to find what they really need, and to them I say, “Go, but go with the community’s blessing.” We’ve had folks leave Emmanuel and lie about it, and I don’t think we’re alone in this. Sometimes folks have just moved and found a church closer to their new home. Sometimes they’ve found that the worship and the life of this community wasn’t quite right for them and so they’ve gone to find a place that was, but there have been a couple times when folks have said they weren’t leaving when they were or lied about why they were leaving. It seemed as though they were afraid of getting in trouble, or having a priest upset at them or something (who really cares?), or like we think churches are in competition with one another? We’re not. How great if instead of people lying or just slipping out without saying a word folks told the truth, then we could say, “I’m glad you’re finding what you need; God bless you on your journey, and tell the Christians in (whatever church you’re going to) greetings from Emmanuel.” That sounds a lot like Paul in the end of many of his letters, “send my greetings to the Christians in (whichever) church.”

I’m thinking especially this week about folks who left the church, any church, over various gripes, and then come back year later. Thank God they come back, but there has been so much missed blessing in the mean time. God probably still blessed their lives; God doesn’t just withhold blessing because folks stop coming to church, but if it’s been years since someone’s been to church, then they haven’t been blessed by the church, and the church hasn’t been blessed by them. There’s often so much heartache after an absence like that. Something didn’t work out, or things weren’t going how they should have been going, or maybe things were even deeply flawed, but guess what, that’s the church; that’s our family. We are deeply flawed.

So, here’s my priestly and pastoral advice. Don’t leave the Body of Christ. Don’t leave the church. If someday you need to find a different worshipping community to be spiritually fed, then do so, but go with the blessing of the church where you are; don’t leave because you’re upset about something in the church. Don’t leave a place of blessing and turn a disagreement into a family feud.

Now, I have no illusions that as of 12:30 today after all our services here have heard this sermon, that everything in the church is going to be ok. I don’t think that there’s suddenly going to be perfect harmony no one will ever be upset again. I wish preaching was that powerful. “Yeah, as of 30 years ago my life got really better, and I’ve never had a problem since.” “What happened?” “Oh, I heard a really good sermon,” or a really bad sermon, I don’t know. I have no illusions that that actually happens, but we can still try to stop fighting. So what if we won’t succeed? Jesus knew we’d still be messed up when he died for us, and he still died for us.

Can you imagine if he had given up because he knew we’d still be flawed? There’s Jesus in Gethsemane. “Dad, look, I mean, if I do this thing, if I die for all these people, even if I take their sins upon myself when I die for all these people, they’re still not gonna get it. They’re still gonna fight and bicker. I mean humans haven’t gotten much better since Jacob and Esau or even Cain and Abel. They’re still gonna be flawed, Dad, I just, I don’t think this is gonna work.” And then God says, “Well...you’re right, Jesus, it won’t really work. I’m sorry, Son, I’m sorry I put you through this, they’re not really worth the effort.” Boy would we be in trouble.

But, God didn’t give up on us. Jesus didn’t give up on us. God knew we’d still be bickering over bowls of soup and birthrights, but he still saved us. He didn’t leave us, and he’s got a bigger gripe with us than any of us have amongst ourselves, or does anyone’s complaint measure up against God’s complaint? “Yeah, I know I offended against you, Lord, but this guy really upset me.” God’s forgiven us, so don’t leave. Don’t leave because you get upset, or because the church is imperfect, or even because the church is deeply flawed. Don’t turn a conflict into a feud. Stay, and receive the blessings of the church along with the flaws.

Lot’s of folks don’t want to stay. They’ll come back for Christmas and Easter, they’ll come back for baptisms and confirmation, weddings, or when they’re sick. Lot’s of folks want to receive the blessings of the church, but aren’t willing to accept the flaws, or just don’t want to put forth the effort, and I don’t mean this to vilify anyone. Hell, I left the church for four years during college, and I returned for Christmas and Easter. I didn’t really have a gripe, I just didn’t really feel like going. Well that was selfish and shortsighted. There were years of blessing that I could have given and could have received, but I didn’t. I was lazy. I didn’t want to go. As I said earlier of Esau, that was just dumb.

Having said that, though, let’s not start a feud or continue a feud with folks who have left and then suddenly come back. Even if someone’s sitting in “your seat” at Christmas who hasn’t been here since Easter, bless that person. It hurts when people leave, but we all hurt one another, sometimes thoughtlessly, sometimes unintentionally. When folks leave, when folks hurt the community, don’t start a feud with them or hold a grudge when they return. Offer them a blessing.

Think about feuds you’ve had in the past. Give some of those folks a call. If there’s a feud going on with someone at Emmanuel, call ‘em up, and be reconciled. Bring this family closer together. You’ve been forgiven, so forgive. Say someone you know has left the church Give ‘em a call. See how they’re doin’. Maybe they’ve found a new church, and if so, bless ‘em for it, share in their joy. Maybe they haven’t found a new church. Invite ‘em back. Offer them a blessing.

Is there someone sitting here now or maybe at one of the other services with whom you’ve got some struggle? Forgive that person. Some of y’all might be thinking, “well, I’ll forgive, but I won’t forget.” Well, you’re blessed for having a good memory, but what a bunch of hooey. “I’ll forgive, but I won’t forget?” Yeah, what we mean is, I won’t really forgive.

It’s time for us to forgive one another. It’s time for us to quit fighting. We’ve got wars going on in the world. It’s been 2000 years since Jesus died for us. It’s time for us to quit fighting. Worldwide, here, it is time for us to quit fighting, to quit these silly feuds and start living together as a family.

We’ve been fighting in the church for centuries, since Jacob and Esau and before, and God’s blessed us. We can continue to fight in the church, and God will continue to bless us, but we don’t have to keep fighting to keep getting God’s blessing. We can live in peace and still receive God’s blessing. All these feuds, all this fighting, it’s all happened before. It doesn’t have to happen again. Amen.